I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
