woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
