i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
