I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
