I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
