Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
