new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
