He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
