D3 body, D1 cock
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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