dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dear god my vagina.
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