Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
