I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
