She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
