I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
