I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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