my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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