You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
