'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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