Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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