i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
