i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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