Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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