your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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