so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Two words: blizzard sex
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
