so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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