How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
