Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
