i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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