I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
