I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
