Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My liver just broke up with me...
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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