It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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