Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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