it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
