just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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