They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
