I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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