i love accidental penises.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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