new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
