Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
