My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
