So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
