Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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