as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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