I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
cat food counts as protein by the way
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
