I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
