You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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