Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
