It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
