Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
