Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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