we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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