Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
