she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
