God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
