Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
