Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
oh god was she eating orange peels again
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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