im six kinds of drunk right now
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize