If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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