When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I didn't notice because vodka
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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